"Un"

Unknown.

Unwanted.

Undesired.

Unloved.

Unlucky.

Uncertain.

Under appreciated.

Under scrutiny.

Underwhelmed.

Untraceable.

Unnoticed.

Unacceptable.
Unapologetic.
Unamused.

Unable.

Undone.

Under the weight of the world.

Just feeling so....

                             Un.

© J. Foulston

"Stagnant"

http://bomoge.deviantart.com/art/Peaceful-Drowning-208414488

The emptiness of life fills me everyday.

Suffocating me.

Blinding me.

The insecurities I thought I used to have, 
Return to the surface full force.

Wanting desperately one connection, 
One consistent, positive connection in my life to be a beacon of light.

To throw myself into fully.

To fill my mind with good things.

But it always takes a turn for the worse.

The opportunity presents itself.

I over analyze.

I over value.

I over feel.

Disappointment comes too soon.

Insecurity comes back again,

Making me see the emptiness of life,

Of my life.

For all I have accomplished,

For all I do have,

To know I am lucky, comparatively.

I too know I am not, comparatively.

Utter contentment is what I desire.

Striving for "happiness" is a never ending game.

Contentment, satisfaction, I can only achieve within.

But how? 

I cannot remove the stress that has been begotten to me as my birthright.

I cannot remove the guilt of knowing once they are gone, the stress of that birthright will also be gone.

Constant, constant, constantly having to be the grown up one, 
The one to solve the problems,
The one to take it all on, and let it build and build and build, 
Until I'm being suffocated from within.

Losing the ability to take care of myself,

And ultimately of others.

Wanting that escape.

Wanting that one connection that doesn't drain me or drown me.

The cycle forever continues.

30 years involving survival and secrecy.

Negative self talk, positive self talk, chaos never ending.

Feelings of worthlessness beaten in, 
Thoughts that it will get better, it has to get better.

Throwing myself wholly into all I do. 
Missing life, missing living,
To get that A,  
To know as much as I can, 
To be correct, 
To not feel stupid, 
To not feel worthless, 
To not feel embarrassed.

Striving to be "perfect" in the eyes that judge me, in the house of no stability.
Going through the motions.

Self worth slowly gained on my own. 

The old lessons once forced upon me creeping in every so often.

It's getting worse as I get older.

I seem to stay in the same place, 
While the entire universe slowly stretches farther and farther away.

Knowing life isn't worth living unless it is lived, 

Unless it is shared.

A realist caught in an idealist's dream.

Alone. It is what it has always been.

And sadly I fear will always be.

I only have me to take care of me.

I am failing me now.

My childhood gone, my teenage years gone, my 20s gone,
My memories gone, only flashes of darkness remain.

Lost. Stolen. Wasted. Never to be retrieved.

Conditioned to only remember the bad, never the good.

Here I am now 30, 
With the inability to believe that I am not a bother, 
The inability to reach out, 
The inability to feel truly connected to anyone.

Always "friends" with everybody, 
Yet at the same time truly friends with nobody.

What is truth? 

Those tears sure are real, that silence sure is real,
That deep palpitating feeling of longing sure feels real. 

How to change perception? 

How to change what has been ingrained so deeply?
The slap in the face of what I thought was progress, 

When it turns out there hasn't been.

© J. Foulston

http://thequietvoice18.wordpress.com/2011/08/07/child-abuse-and-depression/

"Yay Energy Savings and Money"

After a long exercise in no 'me' time of about 3 weeks, with a double caseload work week, on-call weekend, complex caseload work week, driving 8 hours over a weekend to pick up Dad, with sister and nephew visiting Dad and I for a week while working, then driving another 8 hour drive weekend to return Dad home, I have come home from work, with stats to do but first, sweats and a T-shirt on, face washed, and a lovely Body Shop Green Tea face mask on, as I take a moment for me and enter the blog-o-sphere once again.

During the last two weeks, I received my post energy retrofit assessment and I went from a score of 57/100 on the EnerGuide scale, with the average rating for a house of it's age in Alberta being 56, to 76/100, where the highest rating achieved by the most energy efficient houses in it's category is 77.

I did pretty good.

My approximate grant return from the Federal EcoENERGY program is $2335. And any matching Provincial and Municipal grants will be triggered too.

With my assessments done, I got to send my info in to my mortgage insurer for their Energy Efficient Housing Program Refund. I mistakingly thought my mortgage insurer was CMHC, however, when I checked my mortgage papers, turns out it was Genworth Financial Canada. I was disheartened for a moment until I googled them and they had a matching program. I sent them my info April 20th and a few days ago I received a check in the mail for $2077.16. Pretty Sweet!

That went directly to the Line of Credit.

Waiting on more money to enter my hands so I can put more on the Line of Credit, including the almost $4000 I'm owed now that the union contract has been ratified. Yay retro pay and new higher wage. Yippee!

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Got a couple of quotes for the garage apartment roof and stucco, and a guesstimate amount of what the cost of demo and the build will be. The more I pay down on my Line of Credit, the more I'll have open on it to max it out for my Garage Apartment.

Here's hoping there is new grant money for secondary suites. Which I should check for right now!

Time to wash the face, have a bit more 'me' time before delving back into work related activities.

"What's a Girl to Do"

What's a girl to do,

When Pop Pops calls yoo-hoo,

At 6:30 in the am, 

Wanting to say good-bye,

For the final time?

Four hours away,

With no one to see,

An elderly man,

Afraid of what he can't remember,

Afraid this is the end.

What's a girl to do,

Four hours away,

With no one to see.

Now to go four hours away,

And bring the man,

The Pop,

Home to stay.

© J. Foulston

"Progress"

The boys came by today to show me my finalized plans. A little tweek here and there and applying for permits this week. Finally real movement ahead!!!

Right after the boys left, my fridge and washer were delivered! This fridge is awesome. This was the first time I saw the inside and that freezer makes my current fridge jealous.

And that washer is so cute. Saturday the dryer is being delivered from Leon's with the stacking kit. The washer was cheaper at Sears and the dryer was cheaper at Leon's with kit included. Yes, frugal! Necessary. I'm running out of room to put stuff. My IKEA range will be delivered on Saturday too! Purchased back with the gift card, and free delivery sort of as I already paid for it. Now to call about the out of stock items and see if they are in....

"Exterior Please..."

Today I was fooling around with websites and looking at exterior siding, having an idea of what I want, but not sure if it would look the way I think it. Low and behold, the James Hardie website and its design tool. Simply pick a template that resembles your very own home (I aimed for the closest to my garage) and choose siding types and colours.

I want to try to have my garage relate to my house, but I also don't want another large yellowy-orange building in my backyard. So break it up I say. Gotta have the stucco, gotta have the red doors, gotta have the navy blue trim for soffits and facia, but I need texture. Ha Za, cedar shake siding! But not real cedar, too much maintenance. 


Thank you James Hardie Plank: a siding manufactured with fibre cement and comes in both a smooth or wood grain finish. It can resist hail impacts and extreme heat and has a Class A fire rating. Available in a variety of colours, it has a manufacturer’s warranty of 15 years on the finish and 30 years on the core.

My house currently:

Colour scheme and exterior products I'm thinking for my garage apartment:

Of course, my garage is more of a tall box, but you get the idea. I'm excited! Applying for permits this week. Fingers crossed!

IKEA Delivery Today

Had my kitchen delivered today. A kitchen in pieces. Most of the pieces.

The IKEA kitchen event was quite popular. They were out of a lot of things. Good thing I don't need things installed for months. I was expecting a stove, but I guess they were oversold. So I'm now expecting a gift card sent my way for $999 + GST. 

$2700 delivered and paid for (if paid for means on my IKEA credit card with payments deferred for a year). Another $2251 to be ordered when in. They better honour the Kitchen Event for the remainder.

As the process goes on, my living room has become a storage facility.

Before delivery:

Boxes as left by delivery:

Boxes after I moved them (Thank you Tetris for developing these skills):

They were in a rush. But paying $125 for delivery and still having to move boxes, not my idea of value for cash spent.  Nor what my lower back had in mind either. Ow.

Hmmmm, delivery is $119 + GST for a purchase over $3001. Since they didn't sent my stove, that puts it between $2001 and $3000. Shipping for that is $99 + GST. They owe me $21 more. So they owe me $1069.95. Odd that they don't charge delivery by weight, as their system tells you what the weight will be and the number of packages to be delivered when you set it up.

I was impressed that I got a call, though automated, to evaluate my delivery service. I was still checking if I received all the right packages. I couldn't find all the codes on the boxes the way they laid them out. Though the connection to a customer service rep for the delivery company that delivers for this IKEA was a just the opportunity to leave a voicemail in the end.

I'd better remember to follow up with this. Money owed back is good to have. 

Now for my fridge, and washer and dryer to be dropped off next week.