"He Can't"

He reaches out to me in his writing,

But he can't with his arms.

He reaches out to me in promises,

But he can't with his truths.

He reaches out to me in hope,

But he can't when the darkness is there.

He can't.

So, I can't anymore.


© J. Foulston

"Stitches"

A Broken Heart,

       Shattered years ago.

Slowly piecing itself together.

       Mistakes made. Lessons Learned.

       I Hope.

Beginning to Trust and Love again.

The stitches there,

       Became easy to tear.

Trusted. Loved.

       Lost.

His Heart mirroring mine.

       He needs Himself for Him right now.

I need Him for Me right now.

       Healing takes its various forms.

His healing breaks me.

A Broken Heart once more.

Slowly piecing itself together.

       Please no more mistakes to be made.

Am I doing the right thing?

Am I ready to move forward?

Can I?

       Every move in that direction,

       Coupled with a tear in my eye,

And a swelling in my heart.

The stitches there,

       On the way to repair?

© J. Foulston

"Do It Yourself"

So I did a little calculating. Got out my Real Property Report, took to google to find a square footage calculator, plugged in the numbers and figured out what 12 % of that is to know exactly how big my garage (accessory building) can be. 

Twelve percent is 480 sq ft. A 20' x 24' space is exactly 480 sq ft. So if I didn't need exterior walls, we'd be in business.

I took to google once again to try to figure out the average thickness of an exterior wall, they can be anywhere from 6 - 9 inches. This meant I'd have to lose a total of 3 ft from my current 20' x 24' plan. Given the layout and the already tight squeeze, I managed to make it a 18' x 24' interior space, and hope I can get away with 7" exterior walls, making the square footage 482 sq ft. I hope the Development Planner isn't too picky. I could lose a foot on width if I downsized a couple of my cabinets. I really don't want to do this.

So overall, I have to shrink the depth of my storage closet in the middle by a foot, use a smaller door to the bedroom to bump my storage closet out as much as possible, at least 9". I have to shrink the depth of my bedroom by 2 ft, and the depth of my living room by a foot and bring my cabinets in the kitchen closer to the stove cabinet side by a foot. I can shrink the width of my bathroom by a foot, so I can get an extra foot of width in the bedroom closet. 4 ft is really not enough to move with clothes hanging in there.

I hope the space feels liveable. I hope the living area and kitchen have enough of an open concept to make the now 9.8' x 10.8' living area non-clostrophobic. The bedroom will now be 8.5' x 10.7'. The bathroom to be 6' x 6'.

Okay Home Depot here I come. Their job; make my official plans. Then all the fun of the applying for permits and getting my neighbour's within 60 m to okay my project with proof of their signatures. And submitting info about my neighbour's homes, and heights, and Argh!, all before I can submit my application. Damn Discretionary Uses.

One day, hopefully this year, it will be complete...

In the mean time, as in now, I need to make sure I address all the left over energy efficiency things I can. I need to add some insulation and vapour barrier back in the basement, so I can get my post energy evaluation done, more money back and hopefully save some CMHC mortgage interest too. I better confirm my booking for my post evaluation. March is sure coming fast!

"Garage Apartment Continued..."

I had fiddled with the upper cabinets in the kitchen, and had to shrink my bathroom a bit to accommodate the extra 7 inches I needed to steal. This meant I had to adjust the layout a bit too, which meant shrinking the bedroom a bit as well to allow decent traffic flow.

So, I took to the Ikea Kitchen Planner once more, so I'd have a better idea overall with the inclusion of some actual walls and scale beyond my own sketches.

This is where it ended up...

Next step is to go to Home Depot to have my plans made into real plans. Then apply for permits. Then hopefully construction will begin in the spring. 

I still need to make sure that a 20' x 24' internal living space measurement is okay in regards to the regulations for the total size of my accessory building being max 12% of my lot size and meet the side setback regulations. My contractor has been extremely busy, though I must say it is frustrating asking the same question multiple times, not getting an answer because every foot counts in a less than 500 sq ft space.

On the bright side, I already have a new low flush toilet, sink, bathroom cabinets for my bathroom, and green glass mosaic accent tile in my garage, as they were originally intended for my basement bathroom reno that went astray with the entire basement being basically ripped out, the secondary tile I had wanted for my bathroom not coming in and may not come in. 

So, yay to money already spent, meaning yay to less money being spent now.

And with kitchens and bathrooms being the most expensive, half down ain't bad. 

Also, I can fit a 39" x 33" shower that's compact, but none of that neo-angle junk in there, with lots of storage, thanks to Ikea's 15" depth Lillangen cabinets.

The adventure continues...

"Where I'm at....No Bullshit"

A text conversation...


With an ex I had dated at least 6 years ago, who popped back in my life via facebook last year, and whom today I had this exchange:

....     

"So what's up? Really?"

"Not much I just got home"

"Lol. No I mean why did you txt me?"

"I dunno, just felt like seeing what's up"

"Okie Dokie"

"Out of the Blue. There must be some reason behind it. 

Question you want to ask? Feeling/Thought that triggered it?"

"Nothing in particular. I had fun last time. 

Maybe we could do it again"

"I figured you didn't. 

As I never heard from you after that"

"So you want to hang out, grope each other, and that's it again?"

"I'm by no means trying to be mean. I'm just at a point where 

blunt honesty saves me time, trouble, 

and hurt, I get myself into"

"Yeah, that's pretty much it"

"So you want a booty call is what I'm gathering?"

"Haha, well we don't need to call it that. 

But I would like to see you again"

"Sorry. You're going to have to find that somewhere else. 

I'm raw from a relationship I have been in and out of for a year, 

and I would so easily fall into wanting someone 

to hold me and to kiss, but I probably 

would regret it later or feel guilty 

for my own crazy reasons"

"So what happened last time we Hung out?"

"What do you mean?"

"I dunno, we fooled around and everything"

"Yes we did, but there was no continuation. 

We finished the movie. Went to sleep. Breakfast. 

Think you said you'd call me. Though that didn't happen, 

I felt relief, because I knew that night that you and I 

would never be long term, and therefore 

no need to continue anything because I know what I want 

and I'm done with games and feeling used."

"Yeah, alright. That's fine"

"Best wishes. Take Care"

"Thanks. And if you ever need a booty call let me know"

"Lol"

And the Fallout...

Texts to the one I'm off and on with, currently off with for the last two months, save 2 days a month ago. Also, it turns out to be a composition I have entitled "I hate":

***

I Hate

I hate that I miss you so much.

I hate that I still want to hear that from you.

I hate that I just got asked for a booty call.

I hate that that's all that I am.

When I am so much more.

I hate that I texted you all of this.

I hate that I want to reach out to you when I feel this way.

I hate that I feel like I love you.

But a you that is a fable in my mind.

A you of an us I wished I could have

and the loss of that idea still having such an effect.

A real feeling from a non real reality.


© J. Foulston

***

Argh! Strength in one area and weakness in another. Guess I'm just being human.


I think I finally get their relationship....But I want to end up with an Ayden.